*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
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*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.