Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
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[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime