*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
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Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.