72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
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King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?