*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
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[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him