*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
You Might Also Like
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.