Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
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Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs