Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
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Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
The Struggle
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.