Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
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Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉