Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
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I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard