Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
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DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Day 2 of my diet
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness