Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
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My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist