Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
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*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat