Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
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In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
is this store having a stroke wtf
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me