Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
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My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I’m Sold!
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
#CatsOnTwitter
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
crazy
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!