Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
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I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I’m being attacked 😭
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often