Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
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“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.