Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
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undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Worlds greatest photobomb
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!