Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
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I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.