Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
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she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.