When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
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Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*