Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
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Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee