Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
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Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died