Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
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Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Me sliding into hell like
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”