“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
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My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.