i think my razor is having a panic attack
You Might Also Like
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
LA today:
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”