Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
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Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over