LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
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If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Baller is short for ballerina
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.