LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
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I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
People buying plungers never look happy.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”