LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
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[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I think I’m having a stroke
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.