LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
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Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
My safe word is Worcestershire
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion