LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
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kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids