@DanMentos: LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
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@ibid78: [goes back in time to murder baby Hitler] wow long line of people here to kill him [goes back to murder myself] how is this line even longer
@CauseWereGuys: Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength I may just beat someone to death.
@AbbyHasIssues: I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
@samalmightysam: The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn't send you subtweets.