@DanMentos: LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
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@ItsAndyRyan: Capt of Titanic: "Mayday! We are sinking" Coastguard: "What happened?" *Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle* Capt: "Iceberg"
@moooooog35: One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
@Mr_Kapowski: [gently brushes your hair out of your face] "You're gonna be so pissed when you wake up and see your haircut," I whisper