@joshgondelman: Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say "You haven't seen The Wire?" and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
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@longwall26: One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said "death or becoming a pirate king" and he threw my cat Alan at me
@Rachrinc: I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake