@joshgondelman: Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say "You haven't seen The Wire?" and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
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@JasonLastname: They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
@PaperWash: [dog on trial for murder] lawyer: who's a good boy? dog: I am lawyer: your honor I rest my case