@joshgondelman: Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say "You haven't seen The Wire?" and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
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@djdarrellripley: Her: I noticed you're wearing one green sock, and one red sock. Me: Yea, I've got another pair just like these at home...
@mrtruthandsoul: "I think I stepped in some upchuck" What's up, Chuck? "Not much, but my name's not Chuck" *vomits*