@goldengateblond: LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
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@seriouslyemily: This girls skirt is so short I can see how many times her dad missed a dance recital from here.
@ericsshadow: [my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad] "Here $60. It's all I have. Call if you need more."
@QuietPsycho: I think the Wu Tang clan is a Chinese organized crime family trying to wrestle control of the orange drink market from the "Sunni D" family
@robdelaney: Haha my cousin's safeword is "chalice." (We don't have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)