@goldengateblond: LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
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@ericsshadow: FBI: If you testify you'll have to go into the Witness Protection Program ME: I'll do it FBI: Your wife and kids too ME: Oh ok never mind
@Elizasoul80: Person I tried to rob describing me to the police: "long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn't seem very committed to it."
@UNTRESOR: You should never go grocery shopping when you're hungry and never go clothes shopping when you're naked.
@KrunkedRobot: I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.