@goldengateblond: LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
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@shegotagronk: Pretty cool that there's no law saying you can't name your kid Squidward if you want.
@briancthayer: [exchanging vows] HIM: I'll love you forever. HER: I'll love you until you leave me a voicemail. HIM: Wait, what?! PRIEST: No, that's fair.
@mattZillaaaa: My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like "no, I went out last night"