Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
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A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now