Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
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Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
the Monday after daylight savings
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse