Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
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Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Trumpy Cat
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Banderslack Clamberdorch
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”