Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
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is this meant to deter me
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.