@kumailn: Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver's eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.
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@Home_Halfway: "My wife and I decided we don't want to have kids." "But...don't you already have 2?" "Yeah."
@WilliamAder: If I'm ever captured as a spy, all they'd have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
@ladyfiredancer: When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That's what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
@QuietPsycho: HR: know why you're here? Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter Union: well..unsafe..but fired? HR: the candy cutter's name is Trish