Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.