@kumailn: Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver's eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.
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@fatherofcomedy: If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
@Underchilde: I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.
@seamusmckracken: The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.