@kumailn: Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver's eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.
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@TeejayRush: Reasons to not go camping No.154: People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
@teeaysmith: Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
@xysist: Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG
@Steven37366100: [Home Depot] Me: I’ll take your finest home *All surrounding dads tear up with joy*