Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
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[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it