I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
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I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.