@KenJennings: LIFE HACK tell the hotel you forgot your toothbrush. They don't even check, they just give you a brand new one!!! It's so sweet
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@AndyAsAdjective: My fly was down the entire day & I didn't notice. So I'm taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that'll help cheer him up a bit.
@EndhooS: Cop: can u describe your attacker Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms Cop: u just described a seagull Me: he took my chips
@BlackJerms: Me: So tired Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet... M: Please don't B: N how do we know it's not actually disorganized?
@Truculent67: Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you're about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you