Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
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my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
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(人__つ_つ
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.