@davedittell: LIFE HACK: when at a restaurant with a long wait, resort to cannibalism
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@dave_cactus: "Your finest Scotch, please." "Yes, sir," the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.
@G_Faylor: an apple drops from a tree and hits me perfectly in the head but i don't act like some big science guy
@QwertyJones3: [texting] So what's your name? "ily" omg this is moving too fast. ILY: (yelling) IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
@papasuncle: Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi's best movie was Sister Act.