@davedittell: LIFE HACK: when at a restaurant with a long wait, resort to cannibalism
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@UncleBob56: Me: Push! Grandkids: But, you're heavy. Me: What did the sign say? Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :(( Me: Rules are rules.
@SteveDutzy: Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
@weinerdog4life: I'm just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
@NicestHippo: [Crate and Barrel job interview] "So why do you want to work here?" DONKEY KONG [sweating]: I love interior design