@davedittell: LIFE HACK: when at a restaurant with a long wait, resort to cannibalism
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@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Guess what I did Me: Captured Bigfoot? Wife: I got a great deal on kid's clothes Me: Just so I'm clear, Bigfoot is still out there?
@hythemafia: To all newly married guys..... If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
@ThaJawn: Me: Off to adult school recess! Boss: it's called lunch.. Me: *runs by dribbling basketball with two hands