Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
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is this a threat
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.