Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
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This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
gm
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
When someone trying to leave me
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Knock Knock
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch