Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
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“i am a sweet baby”
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Why soy sad?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro