life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
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Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Hey! This isn’t my car!
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.