@DirtMcTurd: "Life Is a Highway" has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
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@Brianhopecomedy: My 2 year old has a pretty big attitude considering that I'm the only one who can open the fridge.
@bgirl314: 5: Mommy can we pee in the pool? M: NO! Neighbors kid: Why? M: Because pee mixed with chlorine produces sharks and they'll eat and kill you.
@Ivsy01: Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don't know.
@jordan_stratton: COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?! ME: Aww... I would, but I already have plans. MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.