“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
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I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Current mood: Potato
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.