@TheTweetOfGod: Life is a suicide mission.
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@SteveSuckington: [wife gets home & sees shit on the rug] What's this? "It was Rover he w.." *dog makes throat slice gesture* "It was me. I shit on the rug"
@WordsOfaHooker: "So you're a foodie? What's a foodie?" "We enjoy eating out and trying new food." "So you're like everyone else, except you brag about it?"
@geekysteven: Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
@Barknado69: Today I saw "Jesus doesn't care about your grades" written on the sidewalk in chalk and all I could think was "Thank god, he'd be pissed"