@TheTweetOfGod: Life is a suicide mission.
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@Cheeseboy22: The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son's grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
@DebasaurusRex: Autocorrect, no matter how many times I tell you, I don't want anyone's duck in my can't.
@ProdigyNelson: Her: when you said "magical in bed" this isn't exactly what I was exp- Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card Her: *softly* holy shit