Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
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You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
somewhere, in an alternate universe
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM