@boburnham: Life is always one step forward, two steps back...Then slide to the left...Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
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@david8hughes: [date] Me: you wanna see what desserts they have? Girl: how about we go home & I'll let you- Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
@shutupmikeginn: I have sloth-like reflexes "Don't you mean catlike reflexes?" [several hours later] No
@JhonRules: me: you know they never did catch the zodiac killer guy next to me on the bus: why do you keep saying that
@dshack8: My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".