Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
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guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Cool shirt 🙂
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]